Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Bitter Little [exploding] Ass

So, it's been a while, and before I get into the fun fun fun I've been having in the dating world (next post), I wanted to address a lovely set of comments I received and clear a few things up.

Now, both comments were left on the "It's not you, it's my ass" blog, where I described the grand assplosive time I had with explode-a-buttinski.  The comment was left by " Anonymous" and yet the tone was very familiar.  Hmmmmmmm anyone remember a guy with an exploding ass who couldn't get over me blogging about him?  Hmmm, who could anonymous be?  lol.  I'll give you one guess.

Since "anonymous" was sooo kind to give me a lesson on chivalry as you will see below, I'm going to return the favor and share a lesson on privacy.  I use made up nicknames, but darling, I don't have to.  I could use first names if I wanted to--even full names as long as I speak the truth.

So, bring it bitches.
I think the "anonymous" comments will cease. lol.  

On to the comments--they are juicy!  Get ready! ("anonymous' comment is regular; my responses are in bold and blue):

"I'm gonna start this comment off with a little vocabulary lesson for ya. chivalry - noun qualities such as courtesy and courage    [At this juncture, I have two things to say.  First, how about a lesson in grammar: the end of sentences require punctuation.  I guess "someone" was too busy being angry (still geez get over it!) to slip a period in there.  Not to mention the missing commas, but heck, he spelled "ya" right. lmao.  Also, let me give you the actual definition of chivalry.  

1.the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp courage, honour, justice, and a readiness to help the weak [nope, not you, clearly]
2. courteous behavior, esp towards women [I think this is what you were attempting to refer to, however I will point out that it says ESPECIALLY TOWARDS WOMEN, maybe you missed that part of the definition.  Funny thing about definitions, you have to read all of it...not just the parts you like]
3. the medieval system and principles of knighthood [I would pee myself imagining him on a horse]
4. knights, noblemen, etc, collectively [not in a million years] 

So, you see the problem?  At least he got that it was a noun right.  Good for him!  Yay!!!!]
You know why chivalry is dead or dying? [Hmm, no, but I bet you are going to tell me] Because of females like you who think it's up to a sole gender to keep it alive. [Yep, there it is.  Keep these nuggets of wisdom coming, peaches!]  Do you really need a penis to do the things that seem to be expected only of men? [Well, they are the ones WITH the penis, but hey, maybe you date women with penises? Sounds reasonable, next time I encounter a woman with a schlong I'll be sure to expect the same chivalrous qualities from her too--oh, and what do you mean "need a penis to do things"--like, what are we talking here? Penises picking up the tab?  Penises eating thai food?  Now I'm picturing a penis opening a door for me.  We have to work on your diction, get it, haahaaaaa.  Further, do you have a problem handling those things?  Stop whining, and man up you little biatch. lol] But hey, I understand that your purse can become too heavy and full of tampons for you to carry enough money to pay your own way on a first date or, GASP, offer to pay for something all by yourself. [How original, let's make a tampon joke.  Shows such brains, to attack women for a natural process they gracefully deal with.  You must be a real big man.  We are going to have to work on your reading skills sunshine.  I clearly stated that I have NO problem offering to pay, and even paying.  In fact, (sit down, your unmanly legs are probably about to give out at this point with all this reading), I have only let about 2 men pay for me ever.  I have always paid my way, in fact, I always without fail offer and am willing.  I never felt like it should be one person's role or sole responsibility to pay, but in the past years I've been lectured over and over that on a first date men "should" pay or that many men see it as a bad thing if the woman insists on paying.  I've had that happen.  I've had a few men who were very traditional say that my insistence on paying made them feel like I thought "they couldn't provide for me," or that it came off as "too women's lib." I've also heard that continuing to insist on paying--like both trying to pay--gets annoying.   So basically, I can't win.  If after I offer to pay I let the guy pay then according to you I'm out for a free ride (what, a $8 meal? lmao yeah ok, no), and if I insist on paying then I'm a feminist bitch.  WHAT THE FUCK GUYS!!!! lol.  Seriously.  My rule is that I offer to pay twice, if after twice I'm refused, I'll let it go, but then I try to pay for something else, like the parking or the popcorn/drinks at the movies after dinner etc.  Anonymous clearly ignored everything I said, and has some issues himself.]    After reading this blog entry, I can see why you're still single. [Me too, b/c I don't want to settle for losers like you? Yep, that's it!  And "still"?  I've been single barely a few months, and online dating for like 1 month, whoooo yeah, still single, lol]  You shouldn't go into a first date expecting anything more than trying to make a better connection with someone. [Did you not read the other blogs? Like at all??  lol. I agree with you sunshine.  Yeah, I've said over and over, that I'm there to get to know the person, I even said that in talking about explode-a-buttinski.  I said that I wouldn't have cared where we went to eat--if his tummy was bothering him, I wouldn't have cared if we had freaking tea and toast---I was there to get to know him and didn't give a shit (appropriately) about the meal.  I have an excellent job, and I can buy my own $8 pad thai, but thanks, lol]  So what if you split dinner? [It wasn't that he didn't pay, it was how he acted and went about it, like a child and spent his whole profile talking about how he was bringing chivalry back--and besides opening like 2 doors that I reciprocated, I didn't see any evidence of it.  Maybe he meant the knighthood definition and he has like a full body armor suit at home.  I bet he even wears it to take a crap, lol.  That must be it]  He offered in the first place, [He offered?  He did?  How would you know Mr. "anonymous"---were you on the date?  He didn't offer, he sat there drinking his thai iced tea and I opened MY mouth and offered lol] so if you had full intentions of freeloading, you shouldn't have offered at all yourself. [Please refer to the part where I offered and then offered again, and then paid.  In fact, when he first texted me he would come to Walgreens to meet me b/c he needed toothpaste, I asked him what kind he needed and was going to pick it up for him, yeah, I'm the freeloading bitch, clearly lmao]  Not to mention then proceed to be mad about it! [I wasn't mad, I just laughed about it, hence why it was in this blog where I joke and laugh about the ridiculous dates I go on]  Also you seemed so concerned with the fact that he wasn't listening when it came to you not liking ice cream. What about the fact the he clearly did like ice cream?  Would it have been so hard to say, "Hey I don't care for ice cream, but sure lets go!". Ultimately all he is doing is trying to extend the date, but I guess you would rather a guy say "Dinner was great...Bye!".  [It wasn't about not liking ice cream, it was about ice cream making me sick.  If your date told you something made them sick, like really sick, would you want to take them there?  I wouldn't, I would want my date to be comfortable--which is why I didn't say a word against it when we drove around and he picked his favorite ice cream place, and I still got out and went in enthusiastically.  I even ordered a little something so he wouldn't eat alone.  I didn't show that I didn't want to go there.  I understood that he probably just had this date planned and he wasn't good on the fly.  I get that, and I appreciated that he planned something.  So I went, I smiled, I had fun, and I didn't mention again that I didn't like ice cream.  In spite of feeling really sick from it, I even took a few bites to make him feel good and show that I was happy to be there.  SO SCREW YOU buddy lol] Do yourself a favor and quit playing games. [Gosh, this wise sage gives advice too!  Lucky me!!!!  I don't play any games.  None.  However, I am allowed to have personal thoughts, and express them anonymously on a blog.  Let me refer you to those amendments...aka the Constitution lol]  Finally, the poor guy had to poop. Get over it! At least he was honest.[He didn't have to poop.  He told me his ass was about to explode and create an incident.  AN INCIDENT!!! lmao.  He could have been honest and still modest.  I didn't care that he had to poop or go explode, but how he expressed it during a first date was hilarious!  Come on, your date says something like that, and you would laugh your ass off on the inside.  I didn't make him feel bad, I didn't give him a hard time, I was sympathetic and left immediately when he said he had to go.  No biggie.  I told him not to worry about it.  I still kissed him, which I never do, and reassured him that it wasn't a big deal.  In fact, I was still willing to go on a second date after that incident.  However, looking back it was funny as fuck.  I guess Mr. "anonymous" never thinks back at unlikely, or hard situations and finds the funny in them.  I can laugh at myself, and it was a funny night!]  Unlike you who didn't mention you weren't from New Jersey, but have no problem complaining and dwelling about it and the money spent.  [I am from NJ you idiot.  I grew up in NJ, I just happen to have a home in both NY and NJ, and at the time I was physically in NY.  I even have jersey plates, jersey license, etc b/c I'm a jersey resident.  Sorry to disappoint ya.  Some people like me, have homes that they own in more than one place.  New concept for ya?  Brace yourself, I have a third house on the beach too.  Sad new for you, it is also in NJ lmao]  Thank goodness you don't live in New Jersey, we have enough problems dealing with the "Jersey trash" stigma already. ["We" eh?  So you live in NJ, hmmm I bet I can guess which street lol.  Man, let's just say, if you aren't explode-a-buttinski--which I'm sure you are--I hope we meet sometime, it sounds like it would be a great time lmao]  In conclusion, I'd say that shit he had to take was probably the best thing that could have happened to him.  [More like the best thing that happened to me, and BONUS it led to you commenting!  whoohooo! doublescore!]  It's no wonder instead of the body heat of another man, the most warmth you get near your vagina is when you rest your computer on your lap to blog about your failures in life. [Now, that one was kinda funny.  I'll give you that one.  It isn't my failures in life though.  I went to excellent schools, I have my first choice job, I love what I do.  I was married, to a man who most women find hot, and I left him because I wasn't happy.  I am new to dating, I am sarcastic, and I like to laugh.  Sorry, lol.  However, I will mention that while I am not loving my "dates," some of them actually want to date me again, and lol, I'm a grown woman, and therefore, always have a fuckfriend on speeddial.  So, listen, don't you worry your pretty little head about my vajayjay, I'm good, great in fact!]  My money's on him [you mean you?] finding love and happiness before you do. DEUCES! [Now, saying "deuces!" is such a kiss off isn't it?  As if you know the person? LOL.  Well, explode-a-buttinski, I hope you have a great day in your cubicle tomorrow, and enjoy pooping at work and at home (but not in public), and find that happiness that eludes me.  Oh, good luck on that receding hair line too.]
By Anonymous" [haahaaa, yah, ok, nooo onneee beeeeliieeeevveeessss youuuu lol]

And now for his second comment...I guess he had more to say?
"too bad you texted him a week later saying you were still "dtf," which i think means down to fuck..

 [Hmmmm, that is SOOO weird, that you, an anonymous poster, would know that I texted him a week later.  However, you are mistaken, I never told him I was DTF (which does mean what you think it means lol), and I was never DTF him.  I was down to get a neck massage lol, but listen, I looked at his hands.  He is a medium-tall man, with a huge belly, a receding hair line, and not large hands.  You do the math.  My texts were to try to apologize, because these are my private thoughts and feelings, presented in a funny way, that were meant for anonymous reading only--and not for him to see.  I felt terrible that he saw it, and I tried to invite him over, offered to cook for him, and tried to make him feel better.  I never texted him that I was DTF, but nice try asshole]  weird.. if you're like the other girls this guys dates, you're ugly and a little bit fat. [So, you're saying this guy only dates girls that are ugly and a little fat? Wow, you pass judgment on everyone eh?  lmao]  so it probably is just you [I've discussed my weight, yep, I'm not fat, but maybe I'm a little bit fat?  Sure, let's go with that.  I'm not ugly though, in fact, I'm super pretty, so lost me there.  However, he was at least "a little fat" himself, so pot, meet kettle.  And I have also said, that I don't care about that, I would date a guy even if he was heavy or super skinny, as what is inside is what matters.  Clearly, you missed that nuance, and it makes you feel big and better to call a girl who is putting her heart out there and being brutally honest about not only her dates, but about herself, because she likes to write and believes it is better to laugh at the ridiculous things life throws at you rather than cry, "ugly and a little bit fat."  Hey, I hope it made you feel like a real big man. (no doubt a first for you).]
By Anonymous"  [Still rocking this eh?]

Dearest "Anonymous,"

Next time, be a man and post it with your name, screen name, contact info, or something.  

Anonymous= biggest pussy ever. (but hey, at least his butt explodes on command!!!)

lmao.   I guess someone read the second blog about himself lol.  Whoops lol. 

love and asskisses,


  1. Men are far more fragile than we will ever admit. And we are not half as smart as we think we are. Typically when we find ourselves in a hole, we dig like mad and make matters completely worse. I really missed your blog. Good to see you posting again. Matt

  2. Thanks Matt, I love that you read it, and I like your blog too. Who knew I liked fish. ;)